Reader Q&A: My Kids Get Mad When I Say No To Things But I Can't Afford Everything. What Should I Do?
Anna age 44 asks...
Facing a financial dilemma? We are here to help.
Every month, we’ll answer questions from you, our readers, to help you get a better understanding of your finances.
Got a question? Send it to us at hello@clevergirlfinance.com or leave it as a comment below!
Today's question is from "Anna, age 44”:
My kids get mad when I say no to things but I can't afford everything, what should I do?
It can be hard for children to see a different perspective.
We want to give our children everything possible, but they have a lot to learn about money! Even though you're saying no because of cost, children hear a no and focus on not getting what they want.
Here are some steps you can take to help them understand.
1. Acknowledge their feelings
Communicating a bit of empathy can go a long way. Let your kids know you understand their disappointment. Saying, "I know you're upset, and that's okay," helps validate their emotions.
You can also empathize with how they are feeling. For instance, you can say, "I know you really wanted that item, and it’s disappointing when we can't get what we want.”
Communicating empathy can help children regulate their emotions in difficult situations.
You can even invite them to tell you more about how they are feeling. Yes, they're upset, but there might be some other emotions they are feeling.
Giving them space to share their feelings will help them overcome their discomfort.
Remember, when they’re emotional, children may not be ready to talk about how they feel. You can always revisit the conversation when they are in a calmer state.
2. Be honest about finances
You don't have to share every detail of your finances. But giving a little insight can help your child understand your circumstances.
Before sharing, consider your child’s age and their understanding of money.
Young children
For younger children, the concept of budgeting and bills might be a lot of information to take in. Instead, you can introduce the idea of buying items that are on your shopping list. Explaining that right now you only have enough money to buy what’s on your shopping list.
If the item is something they really want, consider adding that item to a wish list. This way, they can practice saving up for it in the future.
Preteens
Preteens are often motivated to buy something to impress their peers or fit in at school. So, a new iPhone may seem like an important purchase to them. You can explain to your preteen that while having a new phone would be great, there are other financial priorities.
Explain that you have to put money toward important items such as groceries, car payments, electricity, etc.
Teenagers
Teenagers are mature enough to understand the concept of working to earn money, having a budget, and limiting spending. You can share with them different priority expenses to show that money has to go to other things.
You can also introduce to them the idea of earning and saving money to buy something they want.
3. Set clear boundaries
Another great idea is to establish clear spending limits. This will help show your children that if they stick to a budget, they can eventually purchase a small item.
Letting them know when they can expect a treat or a new item will build anticipation. It can also nurture delayed gratification and help them feel seen.
For instance, you can make a plan to buy a new phone case instead of a new phone.
If not a new bike, in a week you can buy some new paint to polish up their old bike.
Setting boundaries can be rough, but children are usually understanding. If they know why the boundaries are in place and what they are, they typically end up following the rules.
4. Involve them in budgeting
When you’re putting together your monthly budget, you can get your child's input in some areas. For instance, budgeting for essentials is non-negotiable. But when it comes to budgeting for discretionary spending, this is where your child can chime in.
If you’re saving for a family vacation, you can ask your child where they’d like to go. If you have some money left over from paying all your bills, you can let your child choose an activity or treat to spend the extra money on.
When your child can see how money is being spent, they can learn the importance of money management.
Likewise, involving them in the budgeting process can help your child build empathy.
5. Offer alternatives
This goes back to understanding your child’s motives. Do they want a new pair of shoes to impress their peers? Do they want a new video game because they are looking for a stimulating activity?
Depending on what your child is asking for, there may be a low-cost or free alternative. For example, your child wants to go to Disneyland. You can suggest a road trip to a national park, or kayaking on the lake.
Suggesting an alternative may not immediately spark excitement in your child. Yet, by offering something else you are allowing them to try something new and find other means of enjoyment.
You can even say to them, “We can’t afford that activity now, but is there another less expensive activity that you’d like to do?”
Kids are creative. If they can’t go to the Taylor Swift concert, they’d be happy seeing a movie and having a Taylor Swift dance party at home.
6. Teach patience and gratitude
Sometimes a no is just a no for right now. Depending on the item they want, you can introduce the concept of saving up for it.
For instance, if they want a new Apple Watch that’s out of budget, you can explain it’s not in the budget for this month. With that, you can let them know that if they save money, they can buy it in the future.
You can even make a deal where, if they agree to save up half the cost, you will cover the other half.
While they are saving money, it’s a great time to focus on gratitude. You can create a family routine that every night at dinner you say something you’re grateful for. With a practice of gratitude, your child can appreciate what they have and focus less on what they don’t have.
7. Model healthy financial behavior
If you’re following your budget, chances are your child doesn’t see the sacrifices you are making.
Try emphasizing how you’re putting your needs before your wants. For instance, when you’re driving home, you can mention your strong desire to stop at McDonald's, but decide to eat the food that’s at home.
Talk about how you’ve decided to make coffee at home instead of buying your coffee. The more your child sees you making healthy financial decisions, the more they’ll learn to do the same.
8. Encourage them to earn their own money
Do you remember the first item you bought with your own money? I remember saving up my allowance every week to buy a CD that I really wanted. Earning, saving, and spending my own money as a teenager felt empowering. Chances are your child can feel the same way.
Encourage your child to earn money by doing extra chores, doing small jobs for the neighbor, or even saving their birthday money. There are many ways for teenagers to make money.
Take some time to brainstorm with your child about how they can earn some money. Then they can practice saving that money to buy the things they want.
9. Focus on non-material connection
We live in a materialistic world. It's easy to forget that spending time with family, laughing together, and growing close to your loved ones are the most precious things in life. Money can’t buy a lasting connection with your child.
Even though life is busy and stressful, it’s important to carve out time with family. Look for low-cost activities in your city that you can do as a family. Likewise, you can do low-cost or free activities at home, such as playing games, baking at home, or having a movie night.
10. Remain consistent
Lastly, it's important to stick to your "no" even when faced with pushback. Remember, hearing a “no” can make them feel upset, hurt, and frustrated. But explaining why you can’t afford a purchase can help your child be understanding.
But if you give in, not only will it hurt you financially, it can also harm your relationship with your child.
Try not to be reactive with your children in the moment, and continue to have conversations around money. In time, they will come to understand and accept that they cannot always have everything they want.
Parenting is…
As a parent, you want to make your child happy. And if you had all the money in the world, you’d probably buy your children anything they want. However, the reality of life is that we have to balance our wants and needs.
Overall having continuous conversations around money and finance can help your child not only understand money but be accepting when you have to say no.
if you need help having more money conversations with your children, check out our free course on how to teach your children healthy money habits.
You can also book a one on one coaching call with one of our advisors. Brainstorm and talk about how you can save money and have money for fun as well!
What a great insightful post to an important question. Although I don't have children it was very inspiring for me to read. 💯